JayFublerHarvey.com

For Wal-Mart executives:

Is anyone on staff paying attention to the content of your commercials? They seem to have an annoying knack of showing off Wal-Mart as having the latest, greatest thang….just a year and a half after the fact. Your current DVD commercials come instantly to mind. Stop trying to be evenly remotely hip. You’re lame..you’re conservative…you’re Wal-Mart. Be proud of it and get out of the Soul Train Dance Line.

Oh, and by the way…What’s a conservative shop like you doing with commercials featuring the Destiny’s Child song “Bootylicious”? “I don’t think you ready for this jelly” ain’t referring to the latest flavor of Smuckers, ya dig?

For the Ladies:

My heartfelt wishes for the continued success and mad flavor for the premium ladies of the world. I’m talking about those new premium ladies: Highly intelligent and not afraid to show it, Able to speak their mind on numerous subjects and hang with the best of them, and Immensely attractive on the physical side of things.

You know who I’m talking about:
Ananda Lewis, Lisa Ling, Alicia Keys and
my personal 6 foot goddess, Aisha Tyler.

Keep on rocking and doin’ things your style, ladies. Much love and green jellybeans to all of y’all. ^_^

For the people behind “Ali”:

For a man of such stature as Ali, your presentation of his life is simply not acceptable. Will was fine…Mario was better than expected…Jamie was great. Everything else was a lifeless piece of fermented toejam making it’s way through the colon of Hollywood. Didn’t any of you watch the documentaries that have been done on the man over the past twenty years? Many of those docs gave textbook examples on how Ali should be done…and yours didn’t even come close. You’re officially banished to the Travolta-ized world of Battlefield Earth for the rest of eternity.

For the MAD-TV crew:

Arigatou for creating the funniest skit on late night TV in the past five years: The PAX-TV ‘edited for content’ version of The Sopranos. ^_^

For the people of the nation:

The broken system of the Electoral Congress is still in existence. Let’s get rid of it before the next presidential election, Kay? And no I’m not complaining because I voted for Gore. I didn’t vote for either of the dullards. But more people voted for Gore. In any other type of election, he would have won. One person, one vote…ring a bell? In actuality, Gore could have won by many millions of votes and still could have lost by electoral vote. The shit is broken and should be removed post haste. I’ve been calling for this since I was seven….time to get this shit done!

For my brothers at the Black Lodge:

Elyts otni kcab gnimoc si ekil uoy mug eht.

As we approach the upcoming pagan holiday season (often associated these days with a jolly, fat playa with over a billion counts of breaking and entering…and that J-bloke who has the power to turn wine into malt liquor), be sure to take these tips with you. They can help you better mankind…or get that really distant cousin you secretly wanted to bang since you were eleven.

A special repeat from last year Tip:

Check to see if your Black friends and workmates actually celebrate Kwanzaa before assuming so and buying them a card. Most Black people don’t celebrate it and chuckle when they receive such cards. Save yourself a few bucks and ask first. ^^

Satan Claus Tip:

When you and your child get to front of the line to meet the robust one, get shifty on the ole bastard. Frisk him. Electro-wand him. Check his breath for that noon time whiff of Jack Daniels. Most Santas are never background checked and have even less training than an airport baggage checker. Do you really want to hand your child over to such a person?

“Never trust rosy cheeks and a smile” - Bel Biv DeHoHoHo

The Jamm Tip:

Find someone 10-20 years younger than yourself and introduce them to five songs or groups from your era. You know…the smooth shit you used to groove to back when you were young, enthusiastic and ignorant as hell. You know you’ve been dying to do so. To show them youngins that what they listen to is a few degrees short of a hemorrhoidal explosion in comparison to what you grew up with.

Just be careful. What got you lucky in the past might have a more powerful effect in the present. Those Roberta Flack slow grooves that helped you give your gal rug burns back in the day could help some teenaged cassanova get half his high school class pregnant in this day and age.

Hold the Phone Tip:

“Now is not the time…” Bullshit. Now is always the time. Keep those questions coming. Last time I checked you can support the troops and the government and country in general, but still question some of the shit it does and positions it takes. Don’t let ‘em push you around. Questioning what the government does is one of the most patriotic things you can do. The day you stop is the day you get fitted for that wool suit.

Q-Tip:

Such a vibrant thing…