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As we approach the upcoming pagan holiday season (often associated these days with a jolly, fat playa with over a billion counts of breaking and entering…and that J-bloke who has the power to turn wine into malt liquor), be sure to take these tips with you. They can help you better mankind…or get that really distant cousin you secretly wanted to bang since you were eleven.

A special repeat from last year Tip:

Check to see if your Black friends and workmates actually celebrate Kwanzaa before assuming so and buying them a card. Most Black people don’t celebrate it and chuckle when they receive such cards. Save yourself a few bucks and ask first. ^^

Satan Claus Tip:

When you and your child get to front of the line to meet the robust one, get shifty on the ole bastard. Frisk him. Electro-wand him. Check his breath for that noon time whiff of Jack Daniels. Most Santas are never background checked and have even less training than an airport baggage checker. Do you really want to hand your child over to such a person?

“Never trust rosy cheeks and a smile” – Bel Biv DeHoHoHo

The Jamm Tip:

Find someone 10-20 years younger than yourself and introduce them to five songs or groups from your era. You know…the smooth shit you used to groove to back when you were young, enthusiastic and ignorant as hell. You know you’ve been dying to do so. To show them youngins that what they listen to is a few degrees short of a hemorrhoidal explosion in comparison to what you grew up with.

Just be careful. What got you lucky in the past might have a more powerful effect in the present. Those Roberta Flack slow grooves that helped you give your gal rug burns back in the day could help some teenaged cassanova get half his high school class pregnant in this day and age.

Hold the Phone Tip:

“Now is not the time…” Bullshit. Now is always the time. Keep those questions coming. Last time I checked you can support the troops and the government and country in general, but still question some of the shit it does and positions it takes. Don’t let ‘em push you around. Questioning what the government does is one of the most patriotic things you can do. The day you stop is the day you get fitted for that wool suit.

Q-Tip:

Such a vibrant thing…