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For even more proof that I spend way too much time in dark, sticky dens of comfort, pleasure and total sensory immersion, hereth lieth some thoughts on the cinematic discoveries of the month of April…

Beauty Shop (http://www.mgm.com/beautyshop/)

• One too many Maya Angelou quotes. Ladies, Maya is a gem, not a bumper sticker.
• Trying to picture the guys in ‘Barbershop’ getting way with the same level of sexual talk…nah, that type of shiz never happens with the fellas.
• Djimon Hounsou has become the hard body equivalent of Taye Diggs. Rock on Amistad!
• Latifah’s Hollywood connections must have owed her a favor or ten. Kept saying to myself, “WTF is Alfre Woodward doing here?”
• Damn…Keshia Knight Pulliam is fine. Fellas…why Rudy from the ‘Cosby Show’ gotta end up fine?
• The six degrees of Kevin Bacon just brought 75% of the black actors in Hollywood at least 2 steps closer. ^o^
• Overall: OK funny. Rather over the top in places, slim plot, but somewhat chuckle-worthy. Not as solid as ‘Barbershop’ (did I really use ’solid’ to refer to BS1?), but it’s a no brainer…the sequel cometh. ‘Beauty Shop 2: First Weave’?
• Side Note: Enough of a ‘review’ for ya, Big Slick? Michael Mann’s directing the next one, you just watch…

Fever Pitch (http://www.feverpitchmovie.com/)

• By far the best movie of the month. Yep, a Drew Barrymore movie wins the prize. Well written…decently acted…engaging story. Everyone knows somebody like that crazed Red Sox fan.
• I will admit it…I do Barrymore films on GP. Glad when there’s some decent meat to go along with all that cuteness and energy.
• Kudos to Jimmy Fallon…you were born to play that role and you lived it perfectly. Good to see another SNLer hop on the “So, this is what a good movie feels like” bandwagon.
• What the hell is with the MLB…letting Drew & Co. on the field when the Sox actually won the World Series? I’m barely interested in baseball and even I know that was a bad decision.
• Overall: Must See! Very underrated movie…

Kung Fu Hustle (http://www.kungfuhustle.com/)

• Gloriously silly and inventive! Roger Ebert hit the mark: It *is* Looney Tunes meets Kung Fu.
• Sooo much better than the original version of Shaolin Soccer (Stephen Chow’s other movie). Much tighter…someone actually storyboarded this one.
• Amusing parodies of ‘The Gangs of New York’, ‘The Matrix’, and even ‘The Shining’. They’re all meshed together very well.
• The day I find a guitar (or any string instrument) that can decapitate my enemies with the flick of a wrist is the day I will truly come into my own.
• Huge points for not dubbing the movie! The subtitles were just fine and no one really seemed to mind. First ‘Hero’, now this. Our secret plan to get the American public to read their movies is still on schedule…
• Buddha’s Palm Inc…tearing down your house…one powermove at a time.
• Overall: Quite enjoyable time at the movies. Even silly enough for non kung fu fans to enjoy.

(What…were you expecting reviews of something else? Just because someone told me I looked like Ron Jeremy once, doesn’t mean you’ll find juicy-juice reviews here. Still…I never did get around to reviewing Caligula…)

Once again, I had to leave the dungeon-like theatrical confines of the Akron area (The theater owners here should be ashamed) in order to see Sin City in sweet, sweet digital DLP about 40 minutes away.

(Yes, I will drive my ass a way for a better theatrical experience…)

Just some Jei-ish impressions. With these, you’ll be able to compose any theatrical doctoral thesis, give yourself the strength of ten drooling fanboys, or just sound mildly incoherent. The choice is yours.

Positives:

• Love, love, love the noir style. And I do appreciate the scene by scene attention to detail. A great tribute to the comic book.
• Wonderfully, unapologetic violence and nudity. Came up with many a new way to slice open body parts…
• White flowing blood should be used more often. It’s classy…it’s splatters well…and it’s NC-17 proof
• Simply great dialogue in some places. A type of dark humor that seems to flow very well where insane violence is involved
• Mickey Rourke: Career reviving role…best performance in the movie. Gruesomely funny and proud of it
• Benicio Del Toro: Funniest Pez Dispenser Ever!
• Elijah Wood: Hella Creepy…Frodo ain’t got shit on him
• Jessica Alba: ^_^ (Nothing more needs to be said)
• Devon Aoki: SweetAss Silent Assassin!
• Devon Aoki Part 2: Dear Lord…The B&W styling of the movie made her look good from more than one angle
• Wolf: That’s good eatin!
• Bruce & Owen: They a’ight
• Kudos to Director Rodriguez for bucking the system and making sure Frank Miller got director rights too

Negatives:

• In a few instances…very cheesy dialogue
• In a few instances…rather awkward attempts at performing said cheesy dialogue
• In a few instances…the scene seemed too ‘greenscreened’…not sure if was the actors or the director, but those moments are certainly there…
• All the nonsense about “Guest Director Tarantino”…sorry Quint…couldn’t tell what part you did…

Final Thought: Can’t wait for the DVD, so I can give it a more in-depth study

Rating: 3 1/2 Stars

“Fuck y’all” to those awaiting my *fools* review of Beauty Shop ;)

Just a little reminder for all the Miyazaki deprived people out there…Tuesday, February 22nd is your wake up call!

Head to your local Best Buy, Wal Mart, Target, KMart, Roscoe’s Chicken and DVDs and purchase the latest salvo from the greatest modern animator, Hayao Miyazaki!

(The man behind the Oscar winning Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Kiki’s Delivery Service, My Neighbor Totoro & Castle in the Sky).

Two of Miyazaki’s most famous films (as well as another great film from his Studio Ghibli) are being released in the states for the first time (on multilingual, subtitled and dubbed DVDs)

• Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind (Even More Info)
  (Was his most famous film for a very long time…Nausicaa is the icon for the post!)
• Porco Rosso (Even More Info)
  (Miyazaki’s pigs can fly…”I’d rather be a pig than a fascist”)
• The Cat Returns (Even More Info)
  (Same cat from the popular Whisper of the Heart)

And never fear…there’s even more Miyazaki more to come this year!

This year’s Oscar nominees are not that big of a surprise, but I need to deal with the immense lack of judgement displayed by these Yahoos. Triflin’ Aviator lovin’ asses…

(All of this is written without having seen Million Dollar Baby…yes, I don’t live in a real city. I’ll make it a given that all of its nominations deserve to be there for now…)

Update (1/29/05): Saw Million Dollar Baby last night. It is everything people have been saying about it. Fantastic Movie. Easily 4 stars.

Best Picture Snub: Hotel Rwanda
(Such a powerful, important movie ignored over the overrated Aviator…bleh!)

Best Actor Snub: Paul Giamatti (in Sideways)
(The man still gets no respect! I’d take him over Leonardo and Depp)

Best Animated Film: The Polar Express
(C’mon…nominate Shark’s Tale? Are they high?)

Best Visual Effects: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
(There’s was nothing that looked remotely as cool this movie this year…)

Overall Snubs: No big nominations for Baadasssss! or Kinsey. (Tragedy!)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind probably should seen some best picture action too….

Ladies and Gents, I commend you on creating an unexpectedly enjoyable movie, full of Christmas fare and more action and suspense than I thought would be allowed for a G-rated movie.

However, my mind…being as it is… (*no laughing from the peanut gallery*) …needs answers to some important questions:

• Why does Santa’s gigantic bag of presents, when suspended in mid air, look like a massive nut sack?
• Are you willing to take responsibility when kids start walking on the top of moving trains? or even start skiing?
  The public needs a condescending parental warning now!
• Who’s the real brains behind this roller coaster ride ad disguised as a movie?
  Six Flags or Cedar Fair? (or Atari?)
• What nightmarish stupor was achieved when deciding to include Steven Tyler as the singing elf?
  (and what I can drink, smoke, shoot up or insert in order to get to that level?)
• Where exactly did you guys come up with such unbridled enthusiasm among the elves during the ‘waiting for Santa’ scene?
  I haven’t seen such mass singularly focused energy since Berlin in 1939…
• Come on…you guys can level with us….
  The original author was influenced by Galaxy Express 999 or Night on the Galactic Railroad, right?

And finally…are any of you really surprised with all the “Creepy” comments that being used by some to describe the way your characters look?

Polar Express comes across the exact same problem that plagued the Final Fantasy movie: No Energy! You can make the characters look as life-like as humanly possible. But if there’s no life behind those eyes…no glimmer of energy…no sign of believable emotion…you get lifeless…you get creepy…you get downright zombie.

Whomever works on the next real-life animated movie, spend extra on developing the eyes. They’re called the window to the soul for a good reason….

Hayao Miyazaki is one of the very few animators that has kept me interested in the anime game for so long. Regardless of what popular crap was being produced in bulk or how burnt out I felt about anime in general, I could always count on a Studio Ghibli film to slap me across the temple…”This is why you’re still in it”.

There was always a certain joy…certain magic…certain intelligence…certain power…to all of the studio’s films. Let it reach you once…you know you’ll never starve for animation again. :)

For those who’ve seen any of the following: Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, My Neighbor Totoro, Castle in the Sky, Kiki’s Delivery Service, Grave of the Fireflies and Castle of Cagliostro…the magic is about to return to the states.

Fortunately, America will get another large dose of Miyazaki in 2005:

• With “Howl’s Moving Castle” breaking box office records currently in Japan (even better than the Oscar winning Spirited Away), there’s almost no doubt that we’ll see the film here in the states before the end of the year.
  (For those who recognize the title, yes, it is based on the Diana Wynne Jones book of the same name)
• Two of Miyazaki’s most famous films are being released in the states for the first time in February (on multilingual, subtitled and dubbed DVDs)
  • Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind (Even More Info)
    (Was his most famous film for a very long time….)
  • Porco Rosso (Even More Info)
    (”I’d rather be a pig than a fascist”)

The true joy of animation in the world today comes from Hayao Miyazaki and his Studio Ghibli. Even the genius people at Pixar watch Miyazaki films from time to time whenever they need inspiration.

<Public_Education_Announcement>
If you’re interested in finding out more about Hayao Miyazaki and Studio Ghibli in English, there’s only one place to go: Nausicaa.Net!
</Public_Education_Announcement>

Beware all you childreneseses out there, of all ages, who loved the Toy Story movies. There’s a new sherrif in town, and he’s not wearing a Pixar hat.

Toy Story 3 will become a reality…one MASSSIVE problem…Pixar will not be the ones doing it. Disney is setting up a new CG studio specifically for it. Unfortunately, Disney can make sequels to all the Pixar movies…and we all know what geniuses they are at developing sequels (”The Rescuers Down Under” notwithstanding)…

I’m just dreading the idea of a Disney-based Incredibles 2….@_@

Quick Side Note: The Incredibles is the afterlife’s version of SWEET come down to this plane! James Bond meets Superheroes meets Pixar meets a PG rating meets Pure Energy. See it…post haste!

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It’s that time again! The end of my personal movie viewing season, so I gotta give y’all the true juice. I didn’t make it up to the ole’ Cedar Lee as much as I have in the past, but was still able to find a good number of 4 and 3 1/2 star movies.I’ve also decide to include movies I’ve seen on video from now on, just as long as they were released during the past year’s time frame. Seeing Baadasssss! pretty much forced me into that decision. ^_^

Can I get a drumroll, please?

 

Past Year’s Top Ten (Nov 2003-Oct 2004)

1. Baadasssss! (4 Stars)
2. Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind (4 Stars)
3. Spider-Man 2 (4 Stars)
4. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (4 Stars)
5. Kill Bill Vol 2 (4 Stars)
6. Shrek 2 (3 1/2 Stars)
7. 21 Grams (3 1/2 Stars)
8. Love Actually (3 1/2 Stars)
9. Hero (3 1/2 Stars)
10. Fahrenheit 9/11 (3 1/2 Stars)

Best of the Rest

11. The Passion of the Christ (3 1/2 Stars)
12. The Manchurian Candidate (3 1/2 Stars)
13. Monster (3 1/2 Stars)
14. Big Fish (3 1/2 Stars)
15. Ray (3 1/2 Stars)

Surprise Movie of the Year

• Love Actually
  (Who knew so many inter-connected story lines could be meshed and written so well…very enjoyable!)

Big, Red, Infected Donkey Dick of a Movie of the Year

• The Chronicles of Riddick
  (Became the 3rd movie I ever put into my “I should walk out on this…” list)

Underrated Movie of the Year

• The LadyKillers
  (Wonderful mix of comedy styles and terrific writing…along with a Tom Hanks you’ve never seen before. Laughed and clapped more for this movie than any other this year…)

Jei’s Hope for The Upcoming Oscars

• Best Picture nomination for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Wish upon a Star hope for The Upcoming Oscars

• Best Picture nomination for Baadasssss! & Best Director nomination for Mario Van Peebles
  [Yes, you heard me...give Mario his Oscar!]

Best on Video Seen this Year

• City of God
  (One of the most powerful movies I’ve ever seen! You’ll never look at Rio the same again…)

Guilty Pleasure of the Year

• Honey
  (Jessica Alba, son…Jessica Alba…)

…must have taken a break during a certain part of the remastering of the Star Wars saga on DVD. It’s been 27 years since it’s creation…you’re telling me that in all that time, no one has been able to figure out how to get rid of the boxes around the Tie Fighters? I’m talking during the escape from the Deathstar. I’ve cringed everytime I’ve seen them on the VHS versions…I was so looking forward to a truely pristine version. Bzzzzzz!

Fer cryin’ out! Even if the fighters are moving too fast for even today’s computers to compensate (which I’m still having a hard time believing), then just do a little re-filming/altering. They added a wack Jabba…they swapped Emperors and Anakins. Damn it, who the hell was slackin off when the Deathstar escape was processed? @_@

(Side Note: Love that my woofer generate more bass when the Millenium Falcon flies by than when the DeathStar goes kaput)

Oye Oye! The latest meeting of the Angela Bassett Appreciation Society has now come to order!

First order of business: Sweet Angela’s Oscar worthy performance in the newly released Mr. 3000! I’m sure we can all agree that even in such light supporting role, Angela’s performance will be recognized for what it was and always is: a tour de force beyond measure and a shapely one at that!

Yes, Brother Silky has the floor:

Far be it for me to rain on my brethern’s parade, but wuz we all watching the same film? I’ve seen more meaty roles used to pick the dog hair off of my shag carpet! While Sista A was fine az wine az usual, there’s no talent in world that could change that role from what it is….straight booty. Now, can we talk about that sweet ass performance of hers in Vampire in Brooklyn?

Silky, I’m so disappointed in you. You lost the faith, brutha.
Somebody please take this two-tone, Members Only jacket wearin’ muthaphuka outside and treat him like Joe Jackson treated Michael.